humor

Fibbing Friday

What would a Friday be without the chance to fib? So, put on your thinking caps and prepare your biggest whopper. This coming week is my son’s spring break and created the theme for this week.

Here are this week’s questions:

  1. You wanted to book a trip to Athens, but the agent misunderstood you…where did they send you?
  2. He sent me to East Greenche, which was founded by a man who garbled the letters in ‘Athens, Greece’.  I once met someone who scrambled the letters in ‘Germany’, and met Meg Ryan.

  3. What will customs agents find in your luggage?
  4. They’ll find American water.  I’ve often heard that foreign waters can be so dangerous.

  5. What do you sneak aboard the flight, and what do you sneak it in?
  6. I’ll take D.V.D.’s of “The Addams Family” T.V. show, hidden in a large potato chip container, so no one will know.

  7. The plane crashes — everyone survives — where did you crash?
  8. It was a marshmallow farm.  No one ever gets hurt from marshmallows.

  9. What are three things you find at your crash site?

I find a pair of undershorts I lost fifteen years ago, the meaning of life, and spam.

  1. Survivors see a rescue opportunity but don’t take it…why?

The people in charge have invited them to a square dance.

  1. What are you finally rescued by?

We were rescued by an artist.  He drew us an escape route.

  1. What is the first thing you do when you get back home?

Show people my Youtube videos of all my exciting adventures.

  1. The airline offers you money, but you turn it down…what do you get instead?

I asked for a promise to do it again, at least once yearly, from now on.

  1. You decide that a cruise is safer, where do you go?

I’m going to Scranton, but it won’t be easy, considering that it’s landlocked all the way.

  1. You get marooned on a deserted island but find huts and scientific equipment made out of coconuts…what happened to Gilligan and the Skipper?

They got together with people from ‘Northern Exposure’ and established the People’s Republic of Alaska And Hawaii as a new sovereign nation.

  1. A fishing boat rescues you, but you have to pay Poseidon for safe passage…what do you pay?

I’ve heard Poseidon’s always been so very adventurous so I’ve promised to pay him in scuba diving lessons.

  1. He rejects your fare and throws you across the world…you land safely, but where do you end up?

I’m now in Scranton, visiting Edith Bunker’s Aunt Iola.

  1. How does your story end?

It ends very dramatically, as the soundtrack music plays, and the closing credits are displayed upon the screen.

Annunci

A Wake Up Call

“I’ve always had quite a major problem with Insomnia,”  Bubbele told Querida Mia.  “Even at my very best,” he went on, “I’ve been prone toward waking up several times nightly, then going back to sleep.  Often I can remember my dreams, which tend  to be quite offbeat.”

 

 

Querida Mia, dumbfounded, gave him quite  a smirk, as they sat casually in their Basement.   “I find it rather difficult to believe,” she complained, “that your supposed problem is all that impossible to handle.”

 

 

“Oh really?” he complained. “Is that so? Well, in that case, perchance you’d like me to explain to you just exactly what kinds of insights I’ve come up with lately by my having meditated for three hours at a time, in the middle of the night, on the fact that ‘Meringue” rhymes with ‘harangue.'”

 

 

Here’s me latest attempt at the Three Things Challenge.  The words for this one are:     insomnia, meringue, basement.

Stray Livestock

“I’ve just found out,” said Lum, “that there was a cow walking on the Major Deegan Expressway in the Bronx.”

 

 

“I don’t believe you,” replied Abner. 

 

 

“I kid you not,” the former insisted.

 

 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” his friend replied.  “That’s the last thing anyone would expect. Everyone knows a cow would be smart enough to Drive.”

 

 

 

Rules of the hop:
Write 6 Sentences. No more. No less.
Use the current week’s prompt word.
Come back here on Thursday, link your post…
Spread the word and put in a good one to your fellow writers 🙂PROMPT WORD: DRIVE

 

Here’s my very first ever entry for Sunday’s Six Sentence Story Word Prompt.    I have no idea what Clarklike  means, but that’s what she is.

 

 

Cookies Good

I’ve been reading a lot of theology over the course of the past few decades.   It says here that mankind’s ancient foe, the Serpent, tempted Eve with either an apple or a pomegranate.

 

One can never tell when he will be subjected to the risk of falling into evil behavior.  Most certainly, a Rainbow often is merely a disguised poison.

 

 

That’s why I’ve always liked my Cookie jar.  Cookies represent the absolute epitome of clean~cut and virtuous.

 

Welcome back yet again to Paula’s Three Things Challenge

7 And Three Quarters Nutty

7 and Three Quarters Nutty Questions

Don’t just answer these questions with quick one word answers, but give them some body! Throw yourself into it.

 

A cowboy rode into town on Friday. He stayed in town for three days and rode out on Friday. How is that possible?

This happened so long ago, during the ‘Dragnet’ era.   The cowboy was so smitten with the show he named his horse after Joe Friday.

A rooster laid an egg on top of the barn roof. Which way did it roll?

This is a trick question. We all know roosters don’t lay eggs.  What it means is that the rooster put the egg on top of the barn roof.   Roosters are known for having an avian variation of manual dexterity. The direction of the egg’s roll~not egg roll~depends upon the direction of the wind.

A truck driver is going down a one way street the wrong way, and passes at least ten cops. Why is he not caught?

Doughnuts!!  It’s always those accursed doughnuts!!

A farmer had 752 sheep and took one shot that got them all. How did he do it?

It was a special shot glass.

What word is spelled incorrectly in every single dictionary?

Incorrectly

What starts with “e” and ends with “e” but only has one letter in it?

It’s a tie between eye and envelope.

What two keys can’t open any door?

G #, D♭

A man went outside in the pouring rain with no protection, but not a single hair on his head got wet. How come?

He always stood sideways toward the direction of the wind.

 

 

Would you rather be trapped in an elevator full of men with BO, three soaked dogs, a basket filled with week old smelly socks or a box filled with used nappies?

The dogs, because they borrowed eggs from the rooster.

Would you rather look like an octopus, act like an octopus or be an octopus?

I’d rather look like an octopus because then I could laugh at people who are gullible enough to mistake me for a squid.

If you had the world’s attention for 30 seconds, what would you say?

I’d warn people about the risk of leaving out the tricky ‘R’ in Library and February.

Would you rather be able to copy and paste in real life, or undo in real life?

Copy and paste, because it’s more easily treatable by therapy.

Answers to be provided before you answer the questions on the underside of the outer edge of a defrosted ice cube, not thawed  mind, but most assuredly defrosted!

chocolate-2202056_960_720

Here’s another 7 And Three Quarters Nutty post from A Guy Called Bloke and K9 Doodlepip.

Fibbing Friday

What would a Friday be without the chance to fib? So, put on your thinking caps and prepare your biggest whopper.

Here are this week’s questions:

  1. What did the fox say?

I’m not really that pretty, but my make up does wonders for my appearance.

2. What really ran Grandma over?

My 1992 Saturn SC. That’s why I was forced to get rid of it.

3. Those aren’t elves in Santa’s workshop…what are they?

Escapees from another dimension.  The only things they’re capable of handling on Earth are toys.

 

   4. What were the milkman’s confessions?

The milkman only goes to Confession at midnight and always says “Na na na na na na na na na na”.

 

 

5.The Mad Hatter wasn’t really a hatter, what was his occupation?

He sold chess sets to neurotic queens and talking dormice.

6. What is your favorite sandwich?

In honor of ‘The Brady Bunch’ and ‘The Odd Couple’, I enjoy sandwiches made of either pork chops and apple sauce, or lasagne and French fries.

 

7.What do you like to curl up with on cold winter nights?

A map of a  country on the Equator.

8. Davy Jones doesn’t have a locker…what does he have?

Bobblehead Monkees dolls.

9. Blackbeard was a not a pirate…what was he?

My eighth grade history teacher.

10. What are the real directions to Neverland?

It’s exactly equidistant between Sometimesland and Alwaysland.

11. Why do people in old tv shows and movies spend so much time sitting on their front porch?

They were waiting patiently for the cows to come home.

12.  What really happened to the three little pigs?

     The cow, each time it jumped over the moon, pulled the hairs on their chinny~chin~chins.

13. What really is Trump’s Space Force?

Ford’s and Reagan’s leftover English muffins and jelly beans.

14. Who brings the Easter eggs?

The chicken does, whenever it crosses the road. 

15. What is down the rabbit hole?

A parallel universe.

 

 

 

Welcome back to Fibbing Friday  .   This is only my second entry, so far, in this category.

 

 

 

Oh No Way, Oh So Way

 

 

Safe Questions – well mostly of a sort!

Talked to a complete stranger about life.

~Oh So Way

Gone skydiving

~Oh No Way

 

Got a tattoo

~Oh No Way

Had an allergic reaction

~Oh So Way

Cried while watching a movie

~Oh So Way

Gotten gum stuck in my hair

~Oh So Way

Fallen asleep in the sun and gotten burned

~Oh No Way

 

Over-plucked my eyebrows

~Oh No Way

Been in a haunted house

~Oh So Way

Fallen asleep during sex

~Oh So Way

Wore a whipped cream bikini

~Oh No Way

Been to an “adult store”

~Oh no Way

Felt the presence of “paranormal activity”

~Oh No Way

 

Asked someone when they were due when they weren’t pregnant

~Oh So Way

 

Seen a sex therapist

~Oh No Way 

 

Burst out laughing at a really inappropriate time

~Oh so way

Googled Sex addiction

~Oh No Way

Called someone the wrong name

~Oh So Way

Walked in on a stranger who was butt naked

~Oh No Way

 

Said you were minutes away when you haven’t even left the house yet

 

~Oh So Way

 

 

Yet again, I’ve taken a chance on a prompt from A Guy Called Bloke And K9 Doodlepip!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day

You are invited to the Inlinkz link party!

Click here to enter

 

Monahan and Deasy were taking their daily walk, engaging in their annual reminiscence about St. Patrick’s Days gone by.

“I grew up in a world of step dancing, bagpipe lessons, green clothes, and A.O.H. meetings,” Deasy said.

“So did I,” Monahan replied.  I even tried to learn to speak Gaelic, but it was too hard.”  

 

 

Deasy, as always, couldn’t help boasting, “I met R.F.K. at his last St. Patrick’s Day Parade.”

 

 

“You’ve just admitted, old boy,” Monahan insisted, “that you’re exactly as old and decrepit as that piano.”

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Friday and St. Patrick’s Day, even though it’s neither.   Here’s my latest entry for Rochelle’s Friday Fictioneers.  Toora Loora Loora.  

 

Diurnal ~Reminiscing

When I was a kid, still going to school, I always took such immense pride in two things~my fabulous vocabulary, and my obnoxious sense of humor.

 

 

The good news is that I knew perfectly well that the word ‘Diurnal’ means ‘daily, quotidian’.  The bad news is that if a teacher of mine would have ever dared to ask me to use that word in a sentence, I would have been so sorely tempted to respond with, ” recently when I went into the boys’ room, I sneezed so hard I missed diurnal.”

 

 

This is my very first ever attempt at the Ragtag Daily Prompt

Happy Song, Sad Occasion

Leo and Sylvia have always been quite square and stuffy, but they’ve also been quite happy and agreeable about anything their less conventional friends, Gunther and Lucille would ask them to do. 

 

 

One night, the colorful couple invited the reserved couple to see a hypnotist’s show at the local public school. 

 

 

All went well at first until the Great Albondigas invited Leo and Sylvia onto the stage so they could participate. 

 

 

They both carry harmonicas with them wherever they go, so he took advantage of this.  He told them, as a post~hypnotic suggestion, that they would play ‘Pop Goes the Weasel’ on their harmonicas everytime they heard anyone say ‘His Sire was from Castile, his Dam from Aragon’.

 

 

Because of its having been such an undeniably obscure phrase, he didn’t even bother to snap them out of it before they left.

 

A couple of days later, the couples, along with their friends,  Francis and Hildegarde, went to a funeral for a neighbor.  Hildegarde, a somewhat neurotic English professor, was constantly mulling over her notes for the class she was to teach the next day.

 

 

At the very beginning of the funeral, Hildegarde spontaneously blurted out, ‘His Sire was from Castile, his Dam from Aragon’.  

 

 

To put it as mildly as possible, their neighbor had quite a distinctive processional song at his funeral.  

 

 

Here is my very first ever effort for Page And Line Challenge.  I have always been a compulsive bookworm, and I have a bottomless pit of literature credits among my transcripts, so I picked Line 4, from Canto XXXVIII, of George Gordon Lord Byron’s classic poem, “Don Juan”.   In my copy of a collection of Byron’s poetry, it’s on page 195.