humor

my cousin vinnie and “my cousin vinnie”

“I can’t wait to see my cousin Vinnie,” Richie mentioned to Spaniel.

“You always have had the hots for Marisa Tomei,” his friend reminded him.

“Duh, super genius!!” snarled the former. “I meant my cousin from Buffalo. It’s his birthday today. I’m supposed to visit him in a few weeks.”

As they pulled into the DVD store’s parking lot, Richie said, “I wonder if I can find ‘My Cousin Vinnie’ here.”

“Do you think he’ll be here so soon?” his befuddled chum wondered.

Each punched the other in the arm and shouted, “STUUPIID!!!” to the dismay of onlookers.

This week’s photo prompt is supplied by CEAYR. Rochelle Wisoff~Fields, our fairy blogmother, leads us in our weekly Friday Fictioneers,a story based upon a photo prompt.

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coffee, causality, quiet

If I were capable of controlling causality, of bringing about a causal relationship between two things that are currently unconnected, I should see to it that every time I drank coffee, all the world’s cell phones would be rendered inoperable.  I’ve never been able to stand telephones. Ever since the invention of the cell phone, I’ve been constantly surrounded by one ignoramus right after the other, incessantly babbling on his phone, or at least allowing it to ring and to make all sorts of noises, with absolutely no regard whatsoever for the rights of others. If I could stop all the phones, merely by drinking coffee, always quite a very favorite beverage of mine, the world would be a much better place. Of course, that would be quite inappropriate in church, and in certain other places, so for those circumstances, I should like to figure out a way by which I could always count on being able to have a pot of freshly brewed coffee nearby. The world would be quite a very much more joyful environment if only mankind could count on more coffee and less noise, especially fewer telephones. It would be especially interesting if it could happen without anyone’s finding out about my naughty secret. Who could possibly suspect that such a harmless commonplace gesture could have such intense consequences? I could alleviate my anxiety and indulge my truly dastardly sense of humor.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/cause-meet-effect/

https://crashcoursedummy.wordpress.com/2014/12/18/candy-girl-chocolate-boy-15/

https://crashcoursedummy.wordpress.com/2014/11/27/candy-girl-chocolate-boy-14/

http://unbolt.wordpress.com/2014/12/20/balance/

http://shesrambling.com/2014/12/21/maybe-a-turn-for-something-amazing/

http://psychologistmimi.com/2014/12/21/how-to-keep-your-colleagues-on-their-toes-by-being-the-mona-lisa/

st. gabriel’s and st. john’s

If I were ever forced to point  out an era during my lifetime which I could refer to as the very best of times it would be fairly easy.I’ve always thought that there’s a tie between my very early days, up until my twelfth birthday, on 92nd Street in Jackson Heights, when I was attending St. Gabriel’s Elementary School in East Elmhurst, and the time somewhat after that, during my teens in Lindenhurst, when I was attending St. John the Baptist Diocesan High School in West Islip. During my very early days in Queens, I lived in quite an exemplary neighborhood where there were all sorts of colorful characters.  Two thirds of the families on my block were either Italian or Hispanic and constantly spoke Italian and Spanish. I was involved with a lot of activities at St. Gabriel’s, in both the church and school, especially Brother Thomas’ bowling league, and the glee club with Brother Edmond and Brother James.  My friends, many of whom are now on my Facebook friend list, were quite an exceptional group of kids. We spent a lot of time together, visiting each other’s families.  During my teens, at St. John’s, I had such a nice time too. Many of the kids I got to know there are also now on my friend list list on Facebook. It was a time for me to learn about new things and ideas, and to grow into what would become ultimately my current persona. Then, as in Queens,  I was known as the kid with the obnoxious sense of humor. Unfortunately that period was the disco era but once I  got over that I enjoyed all the other things about it. I was involved with lots of activities, including the student council and chess club. I realize that those weren’t perfect times for me. I had all sorts of trouble in certain ways. They were quite exceptional though in the sense that the bad very far outweighed the good.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/salad-days/

http://abozdar.wordpress.com/2014/11/18/drinking-day/

http://abozdar.wordpress.com/2014/11/18/drinking-day/

http://dcmontreal.wordpress.com/2013/01/24/back-when-i-was-young-montreals-angloirish-pubs/

http://rolbos.wordpress.com/2014/11/18/when-the-compass-fails/

http://grieflessons.wordpress.com/2014/11/18/fruit-salad/

september 16 zodiac sign

If I were ever to be asked to devise a new zodiac sign for people who were born around my birthday, and to base it upon my character traits, it would have to incorporate my obnoxious sense of humor and imagination, along with all my intellectual interests and my perpetual tendency to be quite exceptionally suspicious and to feel uncomfortable with all things new, and with change. Those are perhaps the most significant properties I possess. People born around the tame time of year as I could be expected to have quite an insanely annoying tendency to bug the hell out of each other, and people in ge-square-clipart-6neral, with all manner of silly antics. Our sense of the absurd would keep people truly on their toes by necessity. We all should have a tendency to think things through by way of a profoundly intense manner of considering things from the point of view of the conservative intellectual tradition, poring over the collected works of all the great minds who have contributed to western theology, philosophy, history and literature among other disciplines. Someone with a birthday during our time of year would also be known as perhaps a bit too much of a stick in the mud, entirely on unfriendly terms with change, and with a quite inordinate interest in the past. If someone under this sign simply inevitably must face up to change, he would only be capable of accepting it, grudgingly, if it happened quite slowly and incrementally. He’d be a bit on the oddly absent minded side, having a significantly easier time remembering things from decades in the past than from his every day life in the here and now. Assuming he could handle an intense dose of impatience and anxiety he’d be quite a jolly good character. The official symbol for this sign would be the beady-eyed square because we’re all such a bunch of beady-eyed squares, now aren’t we?  Of course everyone knows that belief in horoscopes is just an ignorant backwoods superstition but if there were such a thing, that’s what mine would be like.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/custom-zodiac/

http://itsmatthewburgos.wordpress.com/2014/10/28/orpheus-daily-prompt/

http://agent909.wordpress.com/2014/10/28/self-doubt-and-worry-in-medschool/

http://tombalistreri.wordpress.com/2014/10/28/slow-sign/

http://onesahmscrazylife.wordpress.com/2014/10/28/ocd-perfectionism-and-a-bunch-of-lies/

http://soulnspiritblog.com/2014/10/28/soul-the-blessed-one/

the real me

If I were ever to enter a roomful of strangers, on the condition that I should be required to spend precisely four minutes attempting to tell a story that would convey my true personality, because I should be forced to cover many salient points I should hope for my sake that I may be allow to prepare something in advance. It would be to my advantage to have a speech rehearsed and ready to deliver.   I should like to tell one and all about my intelligence, hep sense of humor and determination to be a good person. It’s kind of a difficult task to distill into such a short time frame. I quite think that I do a good job of being fair with people. Of course I’m exceptionally conservative. To my chagrin I have quite a significant supply of shortcomings so I should be forced to refer to them. I can be annoying, lazy and thoughtless if I let my guard down.  With any luck I can give people a reasonably good idea of all my good and bad qualities.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/flash-talk/

http://mojowritin.wordpress.com/2014/09/22/tell-it-quick/

http://crashcoursedummy.wordpress.com/2014/09/21/love-yourself/

http://angloswiss-chronicles.com/2014/09/22/daily-prompt-flash-talk-wordy-strikes-again/

sort of like spoonerisms or what?

Over the years I’ve been known most certainly to have my share of inadvertent gaffes, from the time I heard Z.Z. Top’s “Two Step Boogie” as “Tube Steak Boogie” to the times I’ve answered the phone by saying “Telephone” instead of “Hello”, and the time I pronounced “NOmenclature” as “noMENclature.”  Inappropriate behavior has always come quite naturally to me.    To this very day my cousins from western New York remind me of the times I was visiting  them, mostly during the 1980’s, and had all kinds of missteps involving their dog Muggsy, my polka dotted jammies, and all sorts of other horrendous missteps.   My cousin Vinnie especially likes to talk about his visit to Lindenhurst during the late 1970’s when I sideswiped a school bus on the way to Robert Moses Beach.   Those are just some of the highlights of my lopsided adventures.   Please stay tuned for ever more yet to come.   

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/uncanned-laughter/

http://underthemonkeytree.com/2014/08/18/funny-momma-here/

http://hotwhitesnow.wordpress.com/2014/07/27/a-conversation-overheard-the-popes-swiss-guards/

http://dragoneystory.wordpress.com/2013/03/15/show-me-the-way/

a most colorful fellow

Guadalupe (Lupita) Martinez was a young, lovely resident of Lindenhurst, N.Y., and an employee of the Acme Corporation on Wellwood Avenue in the middle of her Long Island village.    With all her beauty, elegance, grace, intelligence, sophistication and education though, she thought it quite difficult to find a decent man.   One day, her two best friends, Jenny Randy and Sharon Ferdinand, sick and tired of her non stop whining about her supposed impending spinsterhood,  presumed to take it upon themselves to fix her up with a real gentleman.    After having asked several other friends for help, they managed to end up with Sharon’s cousin Reginald who, they’d hoped, would strike her as at least an interesting decent guy.    As it turns out, though, Reginald was a bit of a character, to put it as politely as possible.    Having just broken up with his girlfriend, Rachel, he was more than somewhat prone toward irrational tendencies.   His emotions overtook him so that he soon fancied himself a long-lost member of ancient Irish royalty.      Lupita, though, having known nothing of his weird ways, never suspected anything when she took her friends up on their offer.     At 8:00 on Friday night, she showed up, as agreed, at Katie Daly’s on Merrick Road in Massapequa, politely awaiting the arrival of her suitor.    She thought it was going to be a typical blind date until she noticed his bodyguards.     It turns out that he had really started to go entirely overboard with his latest fantasy.    There he stood, all prim and proper, before her, in what he assumed was traditional ancient Irish garb.     The poor fellow spent the entire night regaling her with stories of the spurious adventures of long-ago druids and other mythological characters, each of whom existed only in his hyperactive imagination.   He drove Lupita crazy but she didn’t have the nerve to risk hurting his feelings.     She felt awfully bad about how nasty a time she was having.       After it was all over she went home, relieved to be free of him.   The next day, when she got in touch with her friends, Sharon told her: “At least it’s only a once in a lifetime occurrence”.    “You can count on an absolute guarantee of that!”, snapped Guadalupe.      

 

 

 

 

 

http://todaysauthor.wordpress.com/category/writing-prompts/write-now/

i’ll take you home again caffeine

If I should have ever had the ability to be only one part man and two parts something else, I should have wanted to be two parts coffee.   Just think of all the exceptionally interesting possibilities of such a lovely arrangement.    It’s always been quite a very favorite thing of mine anyway.   For one thing everyone so thoroughly enjoys its aroma that I could save quite an exceptionally large sum of money that would otherwise have been squandered on deodorant, toothpaste, soap and cologne.   People could ask : “Hey what smells so nice?” and then realize that : “Hey it’s good old Coffee Larry!”.    Up until now one of my most significant nicknames has always been B.L.T.   If I were part coffee people could call be B.L.T. and coffee.   That might provoke quite an awful lot of confusion at restaurants though.    A waitress would walk over to someone’s table and ask him innocently: “Sir, would you like our specialty today,  a B.L.T. with coffee?” and there would be lots of hurt feelings if I couldn’t show up.

In order o-COFFEE-CREAMER-facebookto be as fair as possible, I should very much like to have a switch built into me so that I could change over from regular to decaffeinated in case I’m ever in the company of someone who doesn’t get to sleep very much.   Everyone knows what a big problem that is.    Lately I’ve been going to the Coffee Nut Cafe a lot so maybe I could take advantage of some ideas I’ve gotten from them.   I could have all different kinds of flavors and serving sizes.    I could have a switch for flavors from places like Italy, Costa Rica, Ireland, Peru and even Queens.   People would gasp upon tasting it an exclaim:  “O Wow!!   This Queens flavor is something else!!   It makes me feel as if I’m right over in Jackson Heights!!”    A lot of people enjoy their coffee black but a lot of people like milk or some other flavoring.   I’d be happy to provide all sorts of things like that.   I’d be determined to have all sorts of whipped cream,cappuccino chocolate and anything else that could keep things as interesting as possible.   It would even be a good idea to pack a supply of Jameson’s, anise and other alcoholic drinks in case anyone might enjoy some Irish coffee, espresso or anything else with a bit of a kick.    It’s too bad I can’t be coffee.   I’d truly be welcome everywhere.

 

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/mutants-and-hybrids/

http://abozdar.wordpress.com/2014/05/28/geese-and-wheeze/

http://abozdar.wordpress.com/2014/05/27/green-bikes/

http://cvillewinter.wordpress.com/2014/05/28/my-heroines-have-brown-eyes/

 

 

ovine woes

“I’m so sick and tired of all the cheap shots we sheep get!” gasped Ernest T. Folks always claim we’re bad but it’s them goats, rams and wolves (who dress like us) that are the troublemakers. Besides that they think we’re sycophantically obedient but we’re just good.”

“O relax!”, replied his wife Mabel. “They mean well. They just have to loosen up a bit.”

“Just think though, honey. When was the last time you ever once heard of someone’s being ‘on the lam(b)’ for a good reason?”, he snapped back.

I wrote this as a rebuttal of Rochelle’s less than flattering assumptions about sheep. They can be quite the totally hep characters.

the gypsy’s curse

Ten year old Harold and his eight year old sister Margret were good kids but Harold was quite lazy about doing his homework. Mrs. Zgura, his mother’s Romanian friend, often teased him about it: “Herrald”, she’d say, “eef you dun’t do humvork, Jeepsies veell keednep littell seester, iven vonce you forrrget”. He did his homework daily for a while. One day, though, he got distracted by friends so he never bothered. The next morning he went into Margret’s room to greet her. Chills ran up and down the boy’s spine.