humor

Fibbing Friday

What would Friday be without a chance for a little fibbing?

What are the biggest whoppers you can come up with to these questions:

  1. It wasn’t a message in a bottle that was found on the beach. What was found in it?

 

‘De Doo Doo Doo, De Da Da Dah’ (Have you listened to the Police lately or what?)

  1. What do the rings in trees really measure?

They measure the exact number of elves and faeries that can fit into them at any one time.

  1. What is one food that you cannot live without?

 

Although lasagne’s always been my very favorite that must not be it, because I don’t eat it the least bit frequently.  I seem absolutely to be required to eat any kind of junk food on a daily basis unfortunately.

  1. You thought you packed everything, but when you reached your destination, what had you forgotten to pack?

 

Somehow I’d plum forgotten to pack my official Captain America Fan Club badge. It always gets me free admission and drastic discounts everywhere I go.

 

 

  1. We’ve gotten Halloween wrong for centuries. What is it really and when it is celebrated?  

  2. It really should be celebrated on January 4, in order to commemorate the day, in 1486, when Ennio Friccencicca discovered the Friccencicca Sea.

    1. How old are you? 

    2. I’m old enough to remember when black and white was an economic necessity, to be settled for, rather than an avant~garde art form.

  3. Why do people really wear glasses?

 

I think it’s because paper cups are out of style.

 

Old people aren’t senile. What are they?

They’re playing along with their image.   It’s considered proper etiquette at their age to follow a certain terribly eccentric protocol.

  1. When people say they are just talking to themselves, who are they talking to really?

 

That’s a polite euphemism for an adult’s version of an imaginary friend.

 

 

What goes best with corned beef?

 

I like it in a milk shake with strawberries. Oddly, some people like it with either cabbage or pastrami.

 

 

  1. How do you like to end your day?

 

I like to end it by putting my socks and undershorts into completely different places. It’s good to keep track of which is which.

 

How should Star Trek have ended?

 

The crew of the Enterprise should have landed in Hooterville and gone into business with Mr. Haney.

  1. What movie or book has the best ending?  

 

I like Samuel Beckett’s ending of ‘Waiting For Godot’. Since Godot never shows up, it’s a lot more relaxed than the kind of ending where you have to deal with a reaction to something specific.

 

 

Here’s Fibbing Friday by the Haunted Wordsmith.

Annunci

What Really Happened In the Chicago Fire

“I’m Mrs. O’Leary’s cow”, the visibly frustrated bovine told the constable.

“What’s your name?” the policeman asked.

 

 

“She didn’t name us”, the cow explained. “I’m innocent,” she went on.  The real culprit is Daniel ‘Pegleg’ Sullivan.   If you’re around in a hundred years to read the history books of that era, you’ll find out that nobody trusts an Irishman these days, so I just wanted to get the record straight for posterity.”

An 1871 illustration of Mrs. O'Leary and her cow from Harper's Magazine. / Courtesy Wikimedia Commons

 

“Let me get this straight”, the policeman said.  “According to you, no one trusts an Irishman, but people can be counted on to believe a cow?”

 

 

The controversy over Mrs. O’Leary’s Cow

 

 

Please read all the interesting stories on Rochelle’s Friday Fictioneers .  Ronda Del Boccio  has supplied this week’s photo prompt.

 

 

 

A Friendly Wager

Robert Graves’  ‘I, Claudius’.  Page 228, line 19:

Hermann and Flavius were the oldest of friends but they also had the weirdest of relationships.  Hermann was taking both German and Latin in school.  He was getting good grades in German, and was also quite fluent in it, as well as enchanted with it.  Never fond of Latin, though, he was doing rather poorly in that class.

Hermann desperately needed a car, and was about a thousand dollars short of the full price of the one he really wanted.  His friend tried to make a deal with him.  “Speak only Latin for one full month,” he promised solemnly, “and you’ve got the money.”

 

Dumbfounded and scared, Hermann didn’t know what to think. *Hermann began talking German but Flavius said that unless he talked Latin the conversation was at an end.

Eventually Hermann gave in, knowing only too well that it was his only hope.   Day and night he did everything possible to bluff his way through it all, feeling like a character out of an episode of ‘I Love Lucy’ or ‘The Twilight Zone’, stuck in a world he could neither understand nor control.  He quite desperately wanted to give up, and very often veered so close to a slip of the tongue. 

 

 

Inevitably the full thirty one days had finally past.   Hermann had somehow gotten through it all, and Flavius, a gentleman and true to his word, was quite willing happily to concede defeat.  He gave Hermann the thousand dollars. 

 

 

The very first thing Hermann did when he got the car was to take Flavius on an unusually long ride, through four counties, playing Oktoberfest music all throughout the trip.

 

 

I’ve grown quite fond of The Haunted Wordsmith’s Page And Line Challenge . I’ve chosen Robert Graves’  ‘I, Claudius’.  Page 228, line 19.  The sentence immediately following the askterisk is the line.  As I said when first I responded to this prompt, it’s an excuse to take advantage of my interest in  classic western literature.

The Fanatic

As a young struggling musician, I couldn’t afford to pull rabbits out of my hat, so I settled for a deranged chicken. 

egg-2894593_960_720

magic-154526_960_720

IMG_9890 (2)

Because I considered image very important I even got a cool theme song, Spinal Tap’s ‘Stonehenge’.   That’s when the hep kids really started following me around, going to all my shows.   

 

 

Soon I allowed it to go to my head.   I was working day and night, traveling all around the world, just to make sure I could keep everyone happy and become and even bigger living legend.  I completely ate, drank, and slept magic. 

 

 

I had no time for socializing, and my diet was horrible.  All seemed so bleak when the joy inevitably deserted me.  Eventually I remembered an old friend’s having told me about a hidden box, in which I could find joy and happiness.  Enchanted with the idea of it all, I scoured the world day and night in search of it.

 

 

People accused me of being ridiculous for taking such a gamble but I knew better.  “I’m a good egg”, I thought. 

easter-3123834_960_720“I’m way beyond too smart to run the risk of losing my marbles over something like this.”

marbles-1659398_960_720“One way or another,” I assumed, “I’ll find it.”  It became such an absolute obsession that I even caught myself peppering my sentences with unnecessary references to it.

peppers-154377_960_720

“Ha! Ha!” I exclaimed triumphantly, “If anyone presumes to doubt my ability to accomplish what I’m after, I shall sock it to him but good!”

 

socks-3981234_960_720“I finally found the box, next to two counterfeits.”

christmas-present-2178635_960_720It was only a few hundred yards away from the bathroom of a hotel I was staying in.

roll-1239214_960_720“O for Joy! For Joy!” I intoned.  “At last I shall be at peace.”  With great joy and anticipation I

explosion-139433_960_720

proceeded to open the enigmatic box.

 

Here’s my second attempt at Rory’s Oh Prompt Me Do .

Fibbing Friday

What would Friday be without a chance to tell a little fib?

You can respond in the comments or in a post of your own.

Prepare your best whoppers to these questions and have fun!

 

 

This week we are going to take a trip into fairy tales, legends, and tall tales 🙂

  1. You are Cinderella’s fairy god parent…what clothes do you give her?

I can give her, silk, cotton, anything but polyester.  As a teenager in the ’70’s I developed quite a loathing for such a horrid thing.

  1. Snow White lived in the woods, but it wasn’t with seven dwarfs…what/who did she live with?

She lived with seven major character defects and that was her euphemism for them.  On her bad days she was very hard to handle.

  1. Beast wasn’t cursed! The story got it all wrong. What was wrong with Belle?

There was no curse. Belle was just allergic to the kind of animal he was turned into.

  1. Hansel and Gretel didn’t kill the witch! What did happen to her?

They convinced her to eat the duck.  Since then she spent the rest of her life duck hunting.   Everyone knows witches really enjoy ducks.

  1. Johnny Appleseed didn’t plant apple trees…what did he do?

He was in charge of a merry~go~round but Johnny Horsesincircles is such a silly name so….

  1. Casey didn’t strike out at bat. He wasn’t even a baseball player. What was he and what really happened to him?

He was a ghost writer for the Grateful Dead.  Jerry Garcia stole Mountain Girl from him and he demanded restitution.  They used him as a character in a song.

  1. History got it all wrong as usual…Paul Bunyan wasn’t a giant lumberjack. What was he?

He was an average~sized podiatrist, but no one wants to perpetuate a legend of a podiatrist who’s named after a foot problem.

  1. Jack didn’t find a goose that lays golden eggs in the giant’s castle…what did he find?

He found hound dogs playing poker.

  1. What was the Ugly Duckling’s real story?

It wasn’t really ugly ugly.  It was just horribly out of style, and a total square. 

  1. The sky wasn’t falling on Chicken Little. What was happening?

After its having taken an antibiotic, there was an allergic reaction, kind of like vertigo.

  1. Sleeping Beauty wasn’t really sleeping, what did she want to avoid doing?

She was forced to take bassoon lessons, and she could never stand the bassoon.

 

Quite An Unlikely Source Of Inspiration

venera-1538615_960_720

Every day I tell my family and friends that I want to go outside for a while, to take a long walk, and to communicate with my muse.  They all humor me, thinking it’s just a figure of speech.  I’ve always been known as the overly creative, imaginative, pensive one in our crowd.  Little do people know that my particular muse is a dead ringer for Mr. Potato Head with such awfully silly taste in hats.

 

 

Here’s Mindlovesmisery Menagerie Photo Challenge # 256 .  I couldn’t resist an attempt at comedic effect. 

Intense Pressure

 

Wordle 217.png

“Red or blue,” Fensterblau asked Felcher to choose.  

 

“Oh come on,” his sidekick complained.  “These experiments aren’t only Weird.  They’re quite Useless.  I thought we’d agreed, long ago, to Distance ourselves from such pathetic pop cultural trends.”

 

On their computer screen was a sophisticated map monitoring development’s within the Earth’s Crust.  While most people would tend to see such a thing merely as in intriguing Divertissement, the pair of scientists found them quite intellectually intriguing.

 

 

For the past several months, ever since they agreed they’d be Willing to take on T.H.R.U.S.H.’s latest experiment, they’ve been Bedeviled by all sorts of claims that foreign agents were getting the Upper Hand, in violation of the Official Secrets Act of 1911.  It was, at all times, to be understood that they were easily able to Cozen even the very best of our men.

 

 

Occasionally their highly advanced machines would Clatter somewhat when suspicious activity was at its Height.

 

 

Yet again Fensterblau asked Felcher, “Red or blue?”   The latter gave him an icy, disapproving smirk, and cringed in resentment.  “You never Quit, do you?”

 

 

“You don’t understand,” Fensterblau explained.  All I wanted to know is whether you want your coffee in a red or blue cup?”

 

 Here we have another wordle from MindLovesMisery’s Menagerie.  Today’s Wordle #126 includes the words :  Useless, weird, distance, crust, willing upper hand, bedevil, cozen, divertissement, quit, clatter, height 

 

Fibbing Friday

What would a Friday be without the chance to fib? So, put on your thinking caps and prepare your biggest whopper. This coming week is my son’s spring break and created the theme for this week.

Here are this week’s questions:

  1. You wanted to book a trip to Athens, but the agent misunderstood you…where did they send you?
  2. He sent me to East Greenche, which was founded by a man who garbled the letters in ‘Athens, Greece’.  I once met someone who scrambled the letters in ‘Germany’, and met Meg Ryan.

  3. What will customs agents find in your luggage?
  4. They’ll find American water.  I’ve often heard that foreign waters can be so dangerous.

  5. What do you sneak aboard the flight, and what do you sneak it in?
  6. I’ll take D.V.D.’s of “The Addams Family” T.V. show, hidden in a large potato chip container, so no one will know.

  7. The plane crashes — everyone survives — where did you crash?
  8. It was a marshmallow farm.  No one ever gets hurt from marshmallows.

  9. What are three things you find at your crash site?

I find a pair of undershorts I lost fifteen years ago, the meaning of life, and spam.

  1. Survivors see a rescue opportunity but don’t take it…why?

The people in charge have invited them to a square dance.

  1. What are you finally rescued by?

We were rescued by an artist.  He drew us an escape route.

  1. What is the first thing you do when you get back home?

Show people my Youtube videos of all my exciting adventures.

  1. The airline offers you money, but you turn it down…what do you get instead?

I asked for a promise to do it again, at least once yearly, from now on.

  1. You decide that a cruise is safer, where do you go?

I’m going to Scranton, but it won’t be easy, considering that it’s landlocked all the way.

  1. You get marooned on a deserted island but find huts and scientific equipment made out of coconuts…what happened to Gilligan and the Skipper?

They got together with people from ‘Northern Exposure’ and established the People’s Republic of Alaska And Hawaii as a new sovereign nation.

  1. A fishing boat rescues you, but you have to pay Poseidon for safe passage…what do you pay?

I’ve heard Poseidon’s always been so very adventurous so I’ve promised to pay him in scuba diving lessons.

  1. He rejects your fare and throws you across the world…you land safely, but where do you end up?

I’m now in Scranton, visiting Edith Bunker’s Aunt Iola.

  1. How does your story end?

It ends very dramatically, as the soundtrack music plays, and the closing credits are displayed upon the screen.

Stray Livestock

“I’ve just found out,” said Lum, “that there was a cow walking on the Major Deegan Expressway in the Bronx.”

 

 

“I don’t believe you,” replied Abner. 

 

 

“I kid you not,” the former insisted.

 

 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” his friend replied.  “That’s the last thing anyone would expect. Everyone knows a cow would be smart enough to Drive.”

 

 

 

Rules of the hop:
Write 6 Sentences. No more. No less.
Use the current week’s prompt word.
Come back here on Thursday, link your post…
Spread the word and put in a good one to your fellow writers 🙂PROMPT WORD: DRIVE

 

Here’s my very first ever entry for Sunday’s Six Sentence Story Word Prompt.    I have no idea what Clarklike  means, but that’s what she is.

 

 

Cookies Good

I’ve been reading a lot of theology over the course of the past few decades.   It says here that mankind’s ancient foe, the Serpent, tempted Eve with either an apple or a pomegranate.

 

One can never tell when he will be subjected to the risk of falling into evil behavior.  Most certainly, a Rainbow often is merely a disguised poison.

 

 

That’s why I’ve always liked my Cookie jar.  Cookies represent the absolute epitome of clean~cut and virtuous.

 

Welcome back yet again to Paula’s Three Things Challenge