If I should have ever had the ability to be only one part man and two parts something else, I should have wanted to be two parts coffee. Just think of all the exceptionally interesting possibilities of such a lovely arrangement. It’s always been quite a very favorite thing of mine anyway. For one thing everyone so thoroughly enjoys its aroma that I could save quite an exceptionally large sum of money that would otherwise have been squandered on deodorant, toothpaste, soap and cologne. People could ask : “Hey what smells so nice?” and then realize that : “Hey it’s good old Coffee Larry!”. Up until now one of my most significant nicknames has always been B.L.T. If I were part coffee people could call be B.L.T. and coffee. That might provoke quite an awful lot of confusion at restaurants though. A waitress would walk over to someone’s table and ask him innocently: “Sir, would you like our specialty today, a B.L.T. with coffee?” and there would be lots of hurt feelings if I couldn’t show up.
In order to be as fair as possible, I should very much like to have a switch built into me so that I could change over from regular to decaffeinated in case I’m ever in the company of someone who doesn’t get to sleep very much. Everyone knows what a big problem that is. Lately I’ve been going to the Coffee Nut Cafe a lot so maybe I could take advantage of some ideas I’ve gotten from them. I could have all different kinds of flavors and serving sizes. I could have a switch for flavors from places like Italy, Costa Rica, Ireland, Peru and even Queens. People would gasp upon tasting it an exclaim: “O Wow!! This Queens flavor is something else!! It makes me feel as if I’m right over in Jackson Heights!!” A lot of people enjoy their coffee black but a lot of people like milk or some other flavoring. I’d be happy to provide all sorts of things like that. I’d be determined to have all sorts of whipped cream,cappuccino chocolate and anything else that could keep things as interesting as possible. It would even be a good idea to pack a supply of Jameson’s, anise and other alcoholic drinks in case anyone might enjoy some Irish coffee, espresso or anything else with a bit of a kick. It’s too bad I can’t be coffee. I’d truly be welcome everywhere.